Trimurty

Three incidents in the past month or so, stand out like the sore thumb of that doped Country Club guy on TV. Each more absurd than the other. And I tried to locate precisely why we were inflicted with such insanely idiotic news stories or what insanity went into creating them in the first place. I have subsequently arrived at some simplistic inferences.

• Sania-Shoaib controversy : We ALL know what this ones about. And it totally pissed the fuck out of me. Let us, for a moment, put aside issues of individual freedom/rights, her marrying a Paki and being a ‘traitor’, or her not pleasing our aesthetic sensibilities enough by wearing shorter pants/showing more décolleté on court. Let us suspend all our senses, like we do while watching Sajid Khan’s directorial attempts.

She is a Complan Girl.

Now. Do you REALLY care so much about the conjugal preferences of a 38DD bimbette, who can barely whack the ball ( pun unintended) on the tennis court against quality opposition; and a sub-standard cricket player, accused of wrong bowling action/chucking & match fixing??

The only words of interest here are 38DD & cricket. But that is clearly not the point. The point is the needless limelight received by this issue could have been better utilized elsewhere perhaps. The media is squarely to blame for being the irresponsible, sexy-story hunting, TRP fanatics that they are. You may wonder what this poster-girl of Indian tennis has realistically achieved to deserve so much of media-attention. Apart from putting on national exhibit, her international assets. And I ain’t talking tennis.

How about giving Saina Nehwal a bit of news coverage once in a while? She is ranked Number 5 by the Badminton World Federation, compared to Sania who I believe, is groaning & grunting at the 90 mark as of May 2010. Nehwal is the first Indian to win the World Junior Badminton Championships. She is also the first Indian to win the Indonesian Open Super series. I think she defeated a Chinese player in the process. What does beating a Chinese player in badminton translate to? You got some pretty effing talent.

Mirza, of course, does not need to worry about actually winning anything tangible. She can merrily go on qualifying for quaterfinals or something, and get beaten by top-seeds; and the media will ensure she hogs the limelight till another tournament.

As for Shoaib Malik I will refrain, as a matter of principle, from wasting words on such a monstrous & epic fail, in the context of Pakistani cricketers of yore.

And Sania, babe, if at all you wanted to commit socio-political massacre of your undeserved & needlessly enlarged (pun intended, this time) public image, by marrying a Pakistani; at least you could have displayed some better taste. This guy doesn’t even keep his bowling arm straight enough… best of luck to you.

• Boobs-cause-earthquakes theory : Well, I have to agree with the Iranian cleric, who had previously put forward this ingenious theory; whereby display of cleavage and earthquakes were found to be correlated. Here it is : “Many women who do not dress modestly … lead young men astray, corrupt their chastity and spread adultery in society, which (consequently) increases earthquakes.”

Hila ke rakh de-Center Shock ( what were U thinking?)

I am totally with the Iranian dude here. I mean, seriously. Take a walk down Park Street on New Year’s. I have actually seen guys looking like Himesh Reshammiya action-figures in the direction of generous women with liberal necklines, God bless them. With magma-hot material like that, why wouldn’t the earth move?

But what I can’t comprehend is, why Iran gets hit by earthquakes or why it sits perilously on top of some pretty huge fault-lines. Women in Iran are all covered up anyway. You will have a nuke up your ass before you can say “boobs.” This can only mean one thing : men there, are more frustrated than us, Indians. So their exxxtra fertile imagination, rendered more fertile by years of strict sexual policies , are causing them to hallucinate. They see plunging necklines( which are actually non-existent) all around them and as a result get heated up. This body-heat coupled with the nuclear reactors which emit warm radiations perhaps; collectively raise the temperature of a part of the earth’s crust there. And the crust expands the already wide-ass fault-lines running through Iran. And hence, the earthquakes.

These interpretations are only based on what the seismologist/cleric had to say. I have only humbly tried to rationalize his intriguing viewpoints.

• Women-no-work Women-only-humpy__ fatwa against working Muslim women: Darul Uloom, Deoband, an Islamic seminary issued a fatwa saying, “It is unlawful (under the Sharia law) for Muslim women to work in the government or private sector where men and women work together and women have to talk with men frankly and without a veil,”

Born free? Not exactly.

This is again a classic example of retrograde Bullshit being spewed about carelessly, without thinking of possible consequences. As it is, the government sector has a relatively dull & unsexy image. What it needs is a few bombshells to spice up the workplace. And as many bombshells of this age, are professionally more productive than their male counterparts, it can only be better for the office right?  These clerics obviously are unaware of such rationale and believe/see women only as objects of procreation. I like the process of procreation too; infact, we at Tan Theta encourage the process of procreation ! But to confine women as just that, is medieval and disgusting really. I would have said “we condemn it” but the word has become a very badly dead & decomposed cliché, courtesy the government who condemn every Goddamn thing on planet, without actually doing something about it.

On a more serious note, it is incredibly pathetic and repulsive to come across such regressiveness. Instead of striving for a liberal atmosphere & equality, these factions are pulling the Muslim community back some notches.

And of course, scaring us into the thought of a Talibanesque office, sans women. Without veils.

Tan Theta is shuddering at such a horrible hypothesis.

Peace.

( Images courtesy http://www.hottesttennisgirls.blogspot.com ; http://www.zazzle.com ; http://www.spokesmanreview.com )