Category Archives: TAN Awareness

Mid-week WTFness


Then:

When you’re happy and you know it clap your hands,
When you’re happy and you know it clap your hands,
When you’re happy and you know it
And you really want to show it,
When you’re happy and you know it clap your hands.

Now:

When you’re horny and you know it clap your hands,
When you’re horny and you know it clap your hands,
When you’re horny and you know it
And you really want to show tit,
When you’re horny and you know it clap your hands.

And Lo (not in the Hindi sense) & Behold ! A new bra that comes off its hooks at the clap of your hands. Yes fellow Thetans. A momentous occasion it is for all the bumbling fuckers among us who can’t open a bra but can solve 25 x 25 Sudoku puzzles. Too long have we waited. Too long have we fiddled around in vain. The desperate groping has gone on for far too long. And now the time has come for us to sit back, clap our hands and look with reverence at the magic science has weaved into modern day lingerie.

But we at Tan Theta, blessed with more perversion than the average Jat who leches at girls at any given point of time in Delhi like the Pakistani team must lech Sania Mirza, have naturally thought of some hypothetical circumstances when this Clap-to-open theory may not work. Or may work a lot more effectively than desired.

The journalistic gem that is the MSN article, does not delve into the specifics of how it will all work out if someone is in a threesome. Supposing a boy is trying to hump two women and he claps his hands. Considering that both women (and indeed every woman in future) wear this innovative piece of undergarment, will both of their bras pop open at the same time?? Or will they be confused (not the women) by the clap-signal? Will the device be customized only to register certain claps from certain people only? That’s very stupid/ improbable. An extension of the above scenario can be when you’re in an office setting, say a meeting or an official party. Your totally smokin’ boss makes a presentation/speech/toast. And everyone claps…

Best friggin’ office meeting ever.

original pic courtesy: http://www.dailyhaha.com

Advertisements

3 Comments

Filed under TAN Awareness, TAN News

This Valentine’s Day …


.. Fuck You!
Fuck You, you pathetic pretentious lover. Everyone knows you hoodwinked that ass-faced, gourd-shaped whore from next door so that you could get a couple’s discount to the ‘great Tantra Valentine’s bash’. So wipe that stupid grin off your face before I tell your ‘date’ about your gonorrhea issues from last month.
Fuck You, you retarded micro-mini clad bimbette. Just because you have a bunch of desperados jerking off to the sight of your bare fat legs every night, it doesn’t mean you are hot. I am not betting against you getting drilled into on the 14th, but just remember that there are tons of others getting paid for it.
Fuck You, you rich, fat, brainwashed lover-boy. Have you checked your dad’s bank balance lately? I bet you bought your ‘girl’ a diamond-studded necklace for the occasion and she promised you her undying ‘love’ in return. Now you better prepare to masturbate to her pictures on Valentine’s, because there some things and huge dicks that money can’t buy.
Fuck You, Yash Chopra and Suraj Bajratya. It is your brand of mind-fucking cinema that has proliferated a generation of confused idiots. It is your fault that populations of perfectly normal teenagers now experience an epiphany about divine love every time they pass an Archies Gallery.
Fuck You, Mark Zuckerberg. It is your money-minting, life-fucking invention that shoves an ejaculation of unbearably mush-filled messages down our throats on this very day every year. It’s your website that drives a thousand loners to suicide every February.
Fuck You, all you bunch of bullshit spewing astrologers with medieval hindi vocab, who promise sex on 14th if we wear your ring. Seriously? Is that why you have more rings than fingers on your body?? And you still haven’t got any???
Fuck You, you manufacturer of rose-imprinted-teddy-bear-hugging-a-heart cards. It’s because of you, that there is a 90% increase in blindness levels which is a direct effect of every consumer product turning into red on 14th.
Fuck You, owners of coffee shops for making coffee rates look like I asked for a year’s supply of ultra-thin condoms and a French prostitute. And also for decorating every bloody corner with heart-shaped balloons which look like they have been reused since 1969. And also for giving (un)romantic names to coffee/ food items. I do not want a Cafe de Pyaar, bhenchod. Just pass me an espresso.
Fuck You, you restaurant owners for destroying the notion of a romantic candle-light dinner, again by jacking up prices so high that I won’t have the friggin dough to buy candles after 14th, let alone dinner. And this for something that can be arranged in the simplest, cost-effective manner.
Fuck You, to all diamond chain owners for spreading your shameless discriminatory propaganda about diamonds = make your woman feel special. Because they don’t make men feel special about their wallets. They make us feel poor. Very poor if you’re a post-recession boyfriend.
And lastly,
Fuck You, all those who think V-day is the day to observe love,affection and crap. If you can’t find or observe love for whoever in the entire year, if you need one working day to suddenly celebrate love and indulge in consumerist pornography (because that’s what it’s all about apparently); then you have failed to see that love is in the celebration of those little moments of togetherness that you can, and do, experience for 365 days.
We at TanTheta pity those who need specific days to feel “isspeshul” and love.
You fuckers don’t need a day. You need a Life.
Pic Courtesy: FunnyChix.com

6 Comments

Filed under TAN Awareness

Facebook frustrates


It’s fast becoming an inescapable aspect of our social media existence. Lame status updates on Facebook. Dunno about the others but I hate to see the chastity (or whatever’s left of it) of my inbox getting violated repeatedly by update notifications which range from the inane to the obnoxious. I accept that social media has started to redefine the concept of privacy and/ or content sharing but I can live without knowing which brand of chaddi you got for the Pujas. And I won’t believe if you say you got it from CK. Also, since I have a bit of life left yet, I will not ask for evidence to substantiate your claim.
So anyway before I digress, here’s my attempt at categorizing uber-lame FB updates based on content and tone.

The Kewl bindaas update (ex- “Next stop Goaaaa.. Chill karunga jaake..bye bye work” or “Fuck exams, me goin 2 Vegas for the week woohoooo) : yeah, these are the types that leave you wondering why the fuck can’t you too maaro-chill, instead of maaro-gaand at office/ college/ school. These people are the single biggest reason my Mondays seem longer than Sonali Bendre’s legs and Ashutosh Gowarikar’s movies combined.

Apparently they do not have any worries in life, except to wonder where else to spend their money on, apart from the Iphone-4G they got last week and the new car that Daddy gifted them for retaining enough intelligence to pass the semester. And it gets worse with females. Because they keep posting ridiculously hot pictures of their dumb carefree “mein toh bindaas hun” selves at parties with various males from the similar intellect clan. If I could, I would shove the ‘bind’ up their ass for making me feel like a retired government clerk at 22. The metaphor doesn’t make sense to you? Well, the existence  of such people doesn’t make sense to me either, so whatever.

The meaning of life update (ex- “Why does life have to be such a bitch?” or “where will we all be in 10 years?”) : While I’m getting brain-fucked by the above category, I stumble upon these kinds. It’s like a cruel and ironic joke that FB seems to play.

So these are the types that will spew about dark, depressing, self-probing questions about life, relationships and why we don’t enjoy a utopian world. Well, guess what Socrates-fucker, I already know that life is a bitch, I already know that I have enough problems at this age, I already know I am not a chick magnet, I already know Sachin won’t play for India forever; AND, I also know another essential fact you may have missed during your gay musings : Life moves on even if you don’t. So please take your questions/ philosophies to Rituporno Ghosh. At least he will make better utilisation of your useless threadbare thoughts.

Self-obsessed updates : Move over you ‘cattle-class’ bunch of ugly faced, non-branded jeans wearing, Reliance black&white handset using, non-happening job doing,  piece of plebian shit. The modern day Narcissus has arrived.

With over 1000 photos in an album rightly titled “Meeeeee” or “Your’s Truly” or “Myself” or worse “I”, this entity is absolutely in Love with itself. It showcases its beauty by clicking its own photographs ONLY, in various poses of self-absorbed ecstasy. Its updates will be severely self-centric and/or snobbish and you wonder if it is at all aware of the existence of others in the world as well. It is always elated and eventually assured by the 50 ass-licking comments it gets appreciating its beauty/ importance to the universe, that it is indeed so divinely good. More than chocolate. Or biryani and chicken chaanp. Yes, it is even better. And with this grand realisation it goes to sleep. And dreams about its own self jumping over a fence, chanting “You’re the best, You’re the best, Yes You are the best.” And no, its not Shahrukh Khan this time.

Show off/ pretentious updates (ex- “loving my job at [random famous MNC goes here] !” or “has delivered a killer presentatn 2 client ! talk abt a gud day!!” or ” the nuclear liability bill is set to cause more faultlines in Indian political spheres”) : Okay, if you have a great job or if you did something superawesome like tying your shoelaces blindfolded with one hand while jerking off with the other, why don’t you blog about it since you so desperately want to share the epic news with the world ?? The blog is your personal space to share whatever shit you want with whomever you want to. On social networking sites, many people may not give a rat’s fuck about your feats. Announcing every single milestone on a social networking site shows how much you crave, and by extension lack, appreciation from others. Despite getting the plum job !

And what’s with behaving like one of those “experts” that our government always seems to have loads of? Posting deep political/ economical/ sexual insights do not make you seem intelligent. Ok, maybe not the last one.. but you get the drift. Unless you are a journalist or something, please refrain from making political commentary. I already know you read the news. Get a fuckin medal now and watch Southpark for a change.

Validate my existence updates (ex- “where’s the party tonight??!!” or “guys when is our next roadtrip??” or “im in love again..shit !”) : This one makes you cringe and want to watch RGV ki Aag ten times over.

These updates stem from the need to make oneself more prominent among the group, which treats the person as invisible in turn. If you don’t know where the party is on a particular night and you have to resort to FB to find out, chances are you are not on the list. And please also don’t inflict more pain by posting about how you fell in/ out/ around love. I mean seriously, who cares??!! If you need to share such news/information or are seeking advice or counsel on the same, then please seek out an agony aunt on those late night shows on Changa TV.

Posting interrogatives about future vacation plans and such on FB is equally inexplicable. Why don’t you simply call them and ask?? Or email them?? Why FB??? Because you wanna show the world that as they slave away to corporate hell, you are taking your punk ass on a roadtrip? Because as they get acidity due to erratic sleeping patterns during exams, you are indulging in cheap erotica and needlessly expensive sea-food in Goa? Which one is it huh? Please organise your kitty parties and trips or whatever fuck you want to, on your own time in a more private manner. And if you really wanna prove the world you’ve arrived, then take a roadtrip across South America or something, 10 years into a job(considering you get one) that is. Then you can be forgiven.

Pagla Premi updates (ex- “my shona/janu/[random term of endearment] I’m so lucky I have you in my life” or “Heyy baby, thanks for standing by me. Muaah”) : I can categorically say that this is the most pseudo-romantic, needlessly affectionate, schmaltzy to the point of being dangerously nauseous kind of update, that is doing the rounds on FB. If you come by such updates, report as spam or report abuse ASAP.

These online romance updates can be divided into 3 neat parts: 1. Pre-relationship : this is when we are subjected to thoughts on how difficult life is for a single man(read NO SEX) or a single woman (read NO FINANCER/ EMOTIONAL CUSHION).   2. In-relationship: this is when you learn about how rosy things can be when a man (got SEX) and woman (got FINANCER/ EMOTIONAL CUSHION) share a life together.  3. Post-relationship/break up: this is when we are made to learn the perils of heartbreak in love that can assail a man (read SEX NOT WORTH IT, I WILL DO IT ON MY OWN) or a woman (read NOT ENUF SHOPPING, NEED A RICHER GUY).

The second category is most viral. They come from people who don’t just fall into the deep ocean of love. They like to create a huge splash and play the prem-pichkari while they are swimming. It is imperative for these people to act like two dogs going at it, on a social platform. Starting from posting display pics together as a couple, to getting cyber-cozy. I just have one question: Why don’t you get a room?? Or rent one?? Why do you have to discuss your ‘private’ sentiments on a huge public platform? What point are you trying to make with such PDA ? That you are oh-so-KJo film mein jaise hota hai- happy??? My friend did attempt to explain an almost similar phenomenon which he termed Compulsive Coupling. Maybe that’s the reason?

Whatever man. Just please spare us the emosanal attyachar.

Image courtesy: http://www.cagle.com

Leave a comment

Filed under TAN Awareness, TAN Wisdom

CWG renovation


How many of us have actually seen the Commonwealth games on TV in the past? Watching the opening/closing/interval ceremony doesn’t count. And no, if you just chanced by the broadcast while surfing for “Kaanti Bai ki malaai” at night, then that doesn’t count either. If the games are appealing enough or conversely, if you have interest enough in them, then you would be watching it anyway. The interest quotient among the masses for the games is as much as the interest levels of half-naked full-hungry street beggars on the Ayodhya verdict.

So in order to raise the collective curiosity of the public about the games, some drastic or innovative  measures must be adopted. A couple of suggestions on how to make the CWG more fun and interesting for both the aam junta and the athletes.

dus ka bees dus ka bees dus ka bees

Make sex-videos of Shera boning Mallika Sherawat. This will ensure that Shera gets some long due recognition and Mallika gets, well, boned. The mms’ should be played on giant plasma screens at select locations in the games village for the enjoyment of our foreign guests and players. Athletes who are white should have premium access to “private booths” during the screenings for a more homely experience. Shampoo/ oil etc charges will be billed to Kalmadi.The snake that was found in one of the athlete rooms should be draped around Sherawat while she is humping the mascot or vice versa. It will help to promote her film Hisss which nobody gives a crap about anyway.

There should be an arena showcasing poverty-stricken hunger-laden and naked Indian kids playing gilli-danda or just playing with a tyre and a stick, with Jai Ho blaring in the background. This is again aimed mostly at Western white athletes and also their families, and this will provide them with ample scope of photographing Real-India at its third-world best. Such authentic display of underdevelopment and backwardness not only severely arouses the photography instincts in firangs, in some cases they may donate large sums of money as well. And this may be one of the few ways to recover the money that Kalmadi and his bitches snorted up to get high.

A Bollywood theme park should be a definite. Athletes can enjoy sliding down Neha Dhupia, Sameera Reddy  and other such celeb endorsed water rides at a subsidised cost. The Rakhi Sawant ride, Payal Rohatgi rollercoaster, Shweta Tiwari tunnel of horror and some other rides should be free of charge. For the females, there should be a Shahrukh Khan (who is not a terrorist) auditorium where three daily shows will be conducted by THE man himself. There should also be space for an authentic Indian ‘bazaar’ where female white athletes can enjoy all the gorgeous colours of India, the oh-so-pretty-bangles, colorful sarees. For our black friends we should have a cozy place with lots of coke.. I can elaborate along these lines, but you get the long and shit of it, right?

Complimentary classes by a Yoga/ spiritual guru can also be a big attraction. Infact with so many of them around, some sort of a tender should be given out for all gurus to take a shot at the post of Chief Spiritualist or something. But handing over  the responsibility for screening applications to Kalmadi may not be a good idea. Because innocent and naive as he is like a furry little white lamb,  he may just be brainwashed by Swami Nityananda into giving him the job. And we know that White chicks+a horny Swami may not be a stable combination. In fact any chick+a horny Swami is never a good combo. Plus the ‘service charge’ is always high.

It would also be interesting if someone made a remake of Sholay. Kalmadi can be, who else but Gabbar Singh? He even has the same beard, almost, if you look closely enough ! Fennel and Hooper can be Saambha and Kaalia. Sheila Dixit can be Radha, the silent spectator that she is anyway and Mani Shankar Aiyar can be the andha Imam because he does not wish to see anything of the games anyway, so he’s better off being blind.

sweet pic courtesy: bijoyvenugopal.wordpress.com

1 Comment

Filed under TAN Awareness, TAN Wisdom

pikchaar abhi baki hai mere dostt.


Remember the Thetans? Yeah, those guys with highly contagious amounts of perversion in their systems which was reflected pretty blatantly in their otherwise lame writing style? Yeah the Firgins. Well, the good news is that they are not dead. The bad news is, they are alive and on the loose still.

So why such a long break? I spoke to one of them telephonically and asked questions on Life, Love and Premature ejaculation (yes, if you look at this post and see the comment made by a sincere & honest asshole called Punith you will realize why). Here are some excerpts from the interview with Teritanki. The other Thetan has promised that he will answer my questions as soon as he breaks his firginity. Here’s wishing him ….luck 😉 ?  :

Bleh : What did you do all this time, while you were not polluting cyberspace?

Teritanki : I was rubbing my derriere vigorously on lamp posts outside MNCs. After a wait, which seemed as eternal as the time it takes John Abraham to give an expression on-screen, I got a job, some money and no life. But all the while I was palpably waiting for the day when I would be able to write again pissfully. I read other bloggers and fellow frustrates. That had an adverse effect on my psyche as their talents seemed like Afro-American dicks infront of yours truly.

Bleh : Pakistan accepted the Indian flood-aid donation after an “expected” poke from US…. what’s your take on that?

Teritanki : Pak-US rishta is today, what Amar Singh-Amitabh Bachchan bandhan was yesterday. Only in the former case, there is a clear distinction between the Big Daddy and the Naughty Bitch. And we know exactly who can do the spanking.

Bleh : How about the misreportage on GDP growth figures for India? Any comments ?

Teritanki : Look we are all human. Even non-celebrities like Shilpa i-can-be-important-too Shitty  thinks that since she has grown in age, height and other aspects over time, her non-existent bubble-wrap-sized boobs have increased too and hence her ‘demand’ is still strong. But that’s a wrong assumption. I mean the forecast for our GDP, of course.

Bleh : The Pak spot fixing issue has tarnished cricket, what are your views on that one?

Teritanki : I’m shocked and appalled that they’re actually still playing only cricket when Sania Mirza is in Pakistan. I overestimated them and their hormones.

Bleh : Did you keep track of the Tharoor wedding??

Teritanki : Fuck yeah ! I heard between them they have 5 or 6 marriages and 3 kids already? No wonder they were scheming for an IPL team ! Any way with such vast marital experience for the two , if this marriage doesn’t work then they better find Dr. Kama Sutrawala of the National Gupt Rog Division ( NGRD ).

Bleh : Uh…well.. you must have kept track of the CWG thingy… ?

Teritanki : The Commonwealth games controversy is similar to a Beijing masseuse. It’s sucking the CWG committee really hard & dry pretty fast; and they can’t ‘come’ clean because it’s too early for that. If they ‘come’ out in the open early they will be fucked. So they are holding their corrupt ejaculate in for the moment.

Bleh : Many officials had said the CWG would better the Beijing Olympics….

Teritanki : This is called premature ejaculation. They can’t satisfy any international parameter anyway with a system like ours. I understand and acknowledge the System’s impotence in cases of national prestige. But they went a step ahead from being impotent to dickless dumbos with such claims of beating Beijing and shit. They could have restrained themselves and their lame ass comments. But they had to do their pseudo-nationalistic We-will-be-better-than-you shit before the CWG could even reach a satiating orgasm. Kalmadi can even try Invigo as suggested by a satisfied user ( pun unintended….yes, we don’t intend to everytime ) And if all else fails, Kalmadi can imagine that he’s fucking Antara Mali. That should slow him down.

Bleh : Why is your blog so coarse, vulgar and cheap? Don’t you wish to reach out to a more niche sophisticated and intellectual audience?

Teritanki : Please use the phrase “extremely non-conformist”. Sounds better that way. And to the second question, No.

pic courtesy: bhopale.blogspot.com

Leave a comment

Filed under TAN Awareness

Why does the hot chick dig the dork ?


Lets face it . We have all thought about this at one time or the other .By “we” ,I mean everyone .The hot chick who isn’t dating a dork feels sorry and confused for obvious reasons. The ugly chick is angry as to why the dorks can’t be left alone (read: left for them poor souls). The disillusioned ugly chick smirks at the thought of having made a better score.The ugly guy tries to kill himself in vain. The Greek God feels hard done by. The disillusioned ugly guy denies that the chick is hot. And so on. For one reason or the other , we think. When those googly-woogly cheeks are squeezed by the hoofs of a black baboon, we cringe.We all do.

So what is the deal really ? What prompts them hot chicks to so blatantly violate the most sanctified social norm? We at Tan Theta have a few theories:

Theory 1 : Make-up man

This is possibly the oldest and most popular theory. Now , as you might know, hot chicks are not always born hot. Their growing hot and remaining so, entails a number of difficult procedures. Hot chicks wear hot clothes and use hot cosmetics. All of these are expensive. And hot chicks don’t particularly enjoy working hard. Hence the need for a rich dork. Such couples are generally the ones you find in malls. Hot chicks of this category possess a certain special quality of being able to curl their lips and roll their eyeballs in a hypnotic manner, so as to convince their rich dorky boy-toy to buy them anything. “The make-up man” in such a  scenario is either merrily oblivious or knowingly chooses to ignore his ever thinning bank balance. And who can blame him .

Beauty and the Geek

Theory 2 : Emo cushion

Chicks are, in general an emotional species. They experience all emotions in higher than normal doses. So , when they are sad , they don’t weep but wail. When angry , they don’t bang fists but wail out loud. When happy, they don’t smile or laugh , but wail their lungs out over how they have never been happier. In other words, chicks cry. A lot. Such chicks often need shoulders to cry upon and and a pair of ears to listen to their stories of pathos. Dorks often take advantage of such situations and dive in with their welcoming shoulders and super-senstive ears wherever they spot an emotionally needy hot chick. You got to admit that the “emotional attyachar” is a cheap price to pay for the pout lips and petite bosoms. And so it goes.

Theory 3 : Rockstar

If you have read any of our posts, you would know that Tan Theta likes sex. We support fornication and approve it in all forms.Now now, don’t let your imagination wander.So yes .Sex. That’s our third theory. Now if there’s one right we concede to all hot chicks, it is to have good sex. In fact, so much so, that all of us with balls are willing to personally further their cause. But of course, hot chicks can’t oblige everyone. And not every guy can rock a hot chick’s world like she deserves it. And hence the need for Mr.Rockstar. Rockstars are those rare Indian specimens who possess both the right tool and right techniques, if you know what I mean. They could , for all purposes, be dorky and ugly but lets face it , the face isn’t going to give them the orgasms. So rockstar gives  “pyaasi zameen” the required “baarish ke boondein” whenever she needs them and they make love happily ever after.

Theory 4 : Lucky boy

For all our ingenious theories, there are certain cases which defy any logical explanation. Cases of hot chick and dorky guy so unpalatable, that they make you question our very evolution. We club all these cases under the unimaginative “Lucky boy” header. Lucky boys are just that. Plain simple fucking lucky. They were born lucky and keep getting so against all odds. Lucky boys specialise at being at the right place at the right time and fortuitously saying the right things.Everything else follows.

I would like to say it outright that Tan Theta does not approve such blatant aberrations. We regard the hot chick-ugly guy combination as blasphemy and strongly condemn it. In fact , we approve only the following combinations.

Hot chick – Hot guy

Ugly chick – Ugly guy

Hot chick- One of us

Here’s hoping that the rest of the world unites in agreement. TANk You !

(Image courtesy : bbs.chinadaily.com)

1 Comment

Filed under TAN Awareness

Trimurty


Three incidents in the past month or so, stand out like the sore thumb of that doped Country Club guy on TV. Each more absurd than the other. And I tried to locate precisely why we were inflicted with such insanely idiotic news stories or what insanity went into creating them in the first place. I have subsequently arrived at some simplistic inferences.

  • Sania-Shoaib controversy : We ALL know what this ones about. And it totally pissed the fuck out of me. Let us, for a moment, put aside issues of individual freedom/rights, her marrying a Paki and being a ‘traitor’, or her not pleasing our aesthetic sensibilities enough by wearing shorter pants/showing more décolleté on court. Let us suspend all our senses, like we do while watching Sajid Khan’s directorial attempts.

She is a Complan Girl.

Now. Do you REALLY care so much about the conjugal preferences of a 38DD bimbette, who can barely whack the ball ( pun unintended) on the tennis court against quality opposition; and a sub-standard cricket player, accused of wrong bowling action/chucking & match fixing??

The only words of interest here are 38DD & cricket. But that is clearly not the point. The point is the needless limelight received by this issue could have been better utilized elsewhere perhaps. The media is squarely to blame for being the irresponsible, sexy-story hunting, TRP fanatics that they are. You may wonder what this poster-girl of Indian tennis has realistically achieved to deserve so much of media-attention. Apart from putting on national exhibit, her international assets. And I ain’t talking tennis.

How about giving Saina Nehwal a bit of news coverage once in a while? She is ranked Number 5 by the Badminton World Federation, compared to Sania who I believe, is groaning & grunting at the 90 mark as of May 2010. Nehwal is the first Indian to win the World Junior Badminton Championships. She is also the first Indian to win the Indonesian Open Super series. I think she defeated a Chinese player in the process. What does beating a Chinese player in badminton translate to? You got some pretty effing talent.

Mirza, of course, does not need to worry about actually winning anything tangible. She can merrily go on qualifying for quaterfinals or something, and get beaten by top-seeds; and the media will ensure she hogs the limelight till another tournament.

As for Shoaib Malik I will refrain, as a matter of principle, from wasting words on such a monstrous & epic fail, in the context of Pakistani cricketers of yore.

And Sania, babe, if at all you wanted to commit socio-political massacre of your undeserved & needlessly enlarged (pun intended, this time) public image, by marrying a Pakistani; at least you could have displayed some better taste. This guy doesn’t even keep his bowling arm straight enough… best of luck to you.

  • Boobs-cause-earthquakes theory : Well, I have to agree with the Iranian cleric, who had previously put forward this ingenious theory; whereby display of cleavage and earthquakes were found to be correlated. Here it is : “Many women who do not dress modestly … lead young men astray, corrupt their chastity and spread adultery in society, which (consequently) increases earthquakes.”

Hila ke rakh de-Center Shock ( what were U thinking?)

I am totally with the Iranian dude here. I mean, seriously. Take a walk down Park Street on New Year’s. I have actually seen guys looking like Himesh Reshammiya action-figures in the direction of generous women with liberal necklines, God bless them. With magma-hot material like that, why wouldn’t the earth move?

But what I can’t comprehend is, why Iran gets hit by earthquakes or why it sits perilously on top of some pretty huge fault-lines. Women in Iran are all covered up anyway. You will have a nuke up your ass before you can say “boobs.” This can only mean one thing : men there, are more frustrated than us, Indians. So their exxxtra fertile imagination, rendered more fertile by years of strict sexual policies , are causing them to hallucinate. They see plunging necklines( which are actually non-existent) all around them and as a result get heated up. This body-heat coupled with the nuclear reactors which emit warm radiations perhaps; collectively raise the temperature of a part of the earth’s crust there. And the crust expands the already wide-ass fault-lines running through Iran. And hence, the earthquakes.

These interpretations are only based on what the seismologist/cleric had to say. I have only humbly tried to rationalize his intriguing viewpoints.

  • Women-no-work Women-only-humpy__ fatwa against working Muslim women: Darul Uloom, Deoband, an Islamic seminary issued a fatwa saying, “It is unlawful (under the Sharia law) for Muslim women to work in the government or private sector where men and women work together and women have to talk with men frankly and without a veil,”

Born free? Not exactly.

This is again a classic example of retrograde Bullshit being spewed about carelessly, without thinking of possible consequences. As it is, the government sector has a relatively dull & unsexy image. What it needs is a few bombshells to spice up the workplace. And as many bombshells of this age, are professionally more productive than their male counterparts, it can only be better for the office right?  These clerics obviously are unaware of such rationale and believe/see women only as objects of procreation. I like the process of procreation too; infact, we at Tan Theta encourage the process of procreation ! But to confine women as just that, is medieval and disgusting really. I would have said “we condemn it” but the word has become a very badly dead & decomposed cliché, courtesy the government who condemn every Goddamn thing on planet, without actually doing something about it.

On a more serious note, it is incredibly pathetic and repulsive to come across such regressiveness. Instead of striving for a liberal atmosphere & equality, these factions are pulling the Muslim community back some notches.

And of course, scaring us into the thought of a Talibanesque office, sans women. Without veils.

Tan Theta is shuddering at such a horrible hypothesis.

Peace.

( Images courtesy http://www.hottesttennisgirls.blogspot.com ; http://www.zazzle.com ; http://www.spokesmanreview.com )

3 Comments

Filed under TAN Awareness, TAN Wisdom