Category Archives: TAN Awareness

The Compulsive Coupling Syndrome

Hello ladies and gentleman and welcome to the dissemination of the latest new epidemic to have spread in our little god forsaken part of the world. It is what I choose to call the “compulsive coupling syndrome”.

I will explain the phenomenon with a story.

Subject-A is your average Indian schoolboy. Brought up on the traditional diet of heavy textbooks , music lessons and cricket coaching classes , he had rarely had time to catch his breath, leave alone discover puberty. It’s when he reached the ripe age of 17 that he suddenly came across the song, “main sola baras ki , tu sathra baras ka”  (Translation: “I am 16 , you are 17” .Yes, we keep it simple) and discovered his true calling in life , falling in love. With about a year of school left, Subject-A  with his new found pubic hair set out on the search for his Sweet 16.

Subject-B is your above average Indian schoolgirl. In stark contrast to Subject-A , Subject-B had been fed on  fantastic DDLJ-esque love stories since she was 12. By the time she was 16 and had developed lemon-sized bosoms, she was ready to take the leap of fate and run into the woods to play hide and seek with her prince charming. As destiny would have it , Subject-A and Subject-B met and in course of time , our man mustered up the courage to say those  golden words, “ Do you want to fall in love with me ?”. Now Subject-A was the dorky Bengali kind with a moustache and beard (he discovered puberty late, but boy the testosterone! ) and Subject-B was , as I said, above average and with boobs now almost the size of snooker balls. But she didn’t want her Facebook profile to read “single” when she entered college and so ,clipping her nostrils so as to not to have to smell his stinky beard again , she hugged and said ‘yes’ . The Compulsive Coupling Syndrome (CCS) had snared its first victim.

Subject-A and Subject-B soon proceeded to the customary rituals to solemnise their “falling in love”. Both of them updated their relationship status’ on Facebook and also changed their display pic to identical ones, showing the two sipping strawberry juice from the same glass. They also “Like”d every “Item” on each other’s “Wall”s so as to leave nothing to the imagination.

Now, more characters. Subject-C is the typical college student who doesn’t give shit about college because , as his Facebook profile says , he “love doing masti” .He is also Subject-A’s best buddy and used to play with his beard before he shaved it on Subect-B’s orders. Subject-D is , as you might guess, is Subject-B’s soul sister and classmate at college. She is secretly jealous of Subject-B because her breasts have now grown to the size of oranges as a result of Subject-A’s fondling.

As you might be aware , people who “fall in love” are bound, by Social networking laws, to go visit a shopping mall with common friends and click pictures to post on Facebook. They are also, perforce dictums, required to comment on how their partner’s nose looks bigger in every alternate picture before commencing the thread ending “I love you baby” , “I love you too”, “Muah”, “Muah muah muah” sequence. So Subject-A and Subject-B, both responsible Social networkers, tagged C and D along, on these visits and clicked scores of snaps. The typical positioning of the 4 in any picture is diagrammatically represented below.

As is evident , while the pictures, splattered across the site were precious to Subjects A and B, it became a source of abject embarrassment for C and D who were often alluded to as the “haddis in the kebab” .Under such circumstances , Subject C, who had secretly day dreamt of humping D, popped the all-important question “Do you want to fall in love with me ?” .For Subject-D, the lure of the jorai jorai (pair pair) pictures on Facebook was enough to surmount C’s rotten egg breath. CCS is a bitch !

A,B,C and D were now a couple of twosomes. Of course , the vicious CCS cycle doesn’t end there. As described previously, Subject-B with her “above average”ness and now melon-like boobs was always beyond A’s league. B realised this in about 4 months time. They could have quietly parted ways ,but no. Subject-A spilled his over-sensitivity on Facebook with pictures of an unshaven self and status messages like “It’s better to have loved and lost , than never to have loved at all”.

And now, more characters. Subject-E is a 23 year-old obese video-game addict of Bangalore and Subject-F is the  27 year-old even fatter shopaholic who lives on the apartment above his. By a strange twist of fortune , they both happened to chance upon A’s heart-wrenching ejaculations on Facebook. On seeing them , E experiences a moment of inner awakening and abandons his “Call of Duty” to answer his call to “fall in love”. Post “Do you want to fall in love with me?” and “Yes”, earth-shattering (literally) sex ensues. CCS claims more victims.

And so it continues. The above is an example of one of the possible courses, the spread of the CCS can take. Others run on the lines of self-pity, dwindling bank balance and a general desire to have sex.

The Compulsive Coupling Syndrome can basically be described as a pathological state wherein two human beings, under the influence of certain external circumstances, succumb to the illusion of having “fallen in love”. In most other parts of the world , such associations would safely be called one-night stands ,hook-ups or open relationships and not be extended beyond a few mating sessions. But we in India don’t believe in half measures. We in India believe in sticking to our deep-rooted principles of love and running around trees.  As the venerable Yash Chopra once said , Indians don’t just “cum” , we “Come and Fall in Love!”.



Filed under TAN Awareness

Society And The Frustrated Virgin

Defn: A frustrated virgin (also referred to as ‘firgin’) is a living entity which is male ,21 years old in India and 16 in some other parts of the world , has never experienced sexual intercourse and is ,hence , in a state of perpetual frustration.

If you have ever seen a man sporting an innocent smile to hide his gloom, expressing utter disinterest for almost all things earthly and having a veritable fixation for female chests, you know who a ‘firgin’ is. The frustrated virgin has walked on this earth for decades. And yet , the fact that you have absolutely no knowledge about him goes to prove that he has indeed been neglected. This creature, cruelly starved of sexual gratification has for long yearned for a voice. And today I shall give him one.

A firgin is not much different from a normal man. He is physically normal (possibly not a looker, per se, but normal otherwise) , intelligent and has normal cravings. He craves for a job, money and first and foremost, sex. It’s the sex, or rather , the absolute lack of it , that makes him a firgin. A firgin has a very simplistic view of sex. He believes in sex as a mating ritual intended for the furtherance of a generation and as a happy side-effect , an act of pleasure. When sex is denied or withheld, however, the firgin finds himself at his wits end. Unable to comprehend the reasons for society denying him what he feels humanity and at least one female accomplice owes him, the firgin experiences repeated bouts of severe depression. It continues in the said manner over a certain period of time spanning from a 2 months to 2 years . After which , the firgin willingly forsakes his frustrated self to either bury alive his desire for sex and lead a celibate existence or kill himself. Resulting, in either case, in the death of firgin and an indelible scar on the face of humanity.

Lump in the throat, isn’t there?

As responsible members of society, we need to wake up to the reality of firgins. We have ,living among us, men, who in spite of being potentially viable mating partners are mercilessly denied the right to participate in the act. And we need to do something about it. Now !

A firgin basically categorises humans around him under three broad heads: females or potential sex accomplices, men who have had sex and fellow firgins. And while he seeks solace from fellow firgins and envies men who have had sex ,it’s the females he obsesses about the most. A firgin has great respect for the female anatomy. A sentiment he naively chooses to express by ogling the female anatomy’s most glorious part, the breasts. The intensity of this religious obsession manifests itself in a firgin’s day dreams where he finds himself gently paying respects to the female body. A firgin is very conservative in his expectations from women. He does not demand love, security or trust. All he most humbly expects, is a chance to hump one of them. Is that unreasonable ? The women of our society need to realise their faults. When presented with an offer to pleasure a perfectly viable male, women often tend to deny it on flimsy grounds such as receding hairline , blunt nose, smelly armpits, bad breath, lack of feelings and the like. On certain occasions , a female is seen deferring her decision to a later date without realising the potential consequences. Scariest of which being , the birth of a firgin. It is such irresponsible behaviour on the part of women that has resulted in the proliferation of firgins.

It is time the women of our society take corrective measures and the rid the world of this pandemic. Women should be more accommodating in terms of their expectations from their sex partner and be more considerate towards a firgin’s approaches. Women can also help the cause by being more expressive about their sexual desires and taking proactive steps to initiate the process of courtship. Suggestions to that effect include putting a greater area of their breasts on show and sporting phrases like “I am a slut.Do me !” on their items of clothing.

Firgins are a symbol of the degradation of humanity’s core values. We as a people need to act fast to check this phenomenon. The firgins have presented themselves as timid creatures thus far. Restricting the open display of their inner frustration only to social networking websites. Their growing numbers, however, might change that all too soon. We need to act fast. The frustrated virgin needs to relieved of his burden. He needs to be fucked. Hard.


Filed under TAN Awareness