Category Archives: TAN Wisdom



At the very outset, allow me to present this post the “Dummies Guide to Understanding Blogposts” award for the sheer straightforwardness of its title. Yes breasts. Oh breasts! Go breasts! Mighty breasts! That’s what this post is about. With the ever-dipping readership numbers of this blog, I have decided to give it a Hindi movie like fillip. So this is the “Item Number” post or “Zandu balm” post if you so like.

The inspiration behind this post comes from none other than Sania Mirza. Yes, you guessed it. It’s the chick with big boobs who married a Pakistani. She is also known for another activity where she and her hefty bosoms go bouncing on a grassy lawn for hours at end. They call it Lawn Tennis.

So, breasts. I trust that the readership of this blog (which at last count was .. wait .. never mind) has by now discovered its deserved niche. Its now limited to jobless sex-addicts and pink slipped whores. So we have no more boundaries. No pretence of being cultured and suave. Cheap is as cheap likes it.

I have for long been a keen observer of breasts and would be more than happy to share my knowledge. So here goes the first lecture of Breasts 10. Today we discuss Breast Types

1. Ping pong: This is one game Sania will definitely never play. Ping pong breasts, also known as “marble” breasts are the most diminutive variants of breasts. As is evident from the nomenclature, breasts of this type appear to be like ping pong balls and in some malnourished African states, like marbles. Those possessing this variety of breasts have certain advantages. With an appropriate wardrobe to go, these breasts can act as a life savers in the event of a femicide. This kind of breast also saves the possessor the burden of investing in bras. Hence this variety is also referred to as “inflation resistant” breast. Disadvantages include difficulty in establishing gender and a reduction in options while procreating.

2. Cornetto: This is a recent neologism for what was previously known as cone breasts. These breasts are in the shape of inverted cones. As can be visualized, such a shape remarkably reduces the surface area of the nipple which for most parts is reduced to a dot. Definitely not the succulent variety. However, this form of breast has been used to provide an advantage in situations of physical conflict. Some varieties of these breasts have even been known to pierce Rhinoceros skins.

3. Mango: Deservedly, the king of fruits lends it name to the indisputable queen of breasts. “Mango” stands for all that is good about the female chest. The juicy and fleshy nature of these breasts make them the pride of the possessor and the even greater pride of the possessor’s partner. Breasts of this type are ideal for delicate fondling. They can be effectively put to use to pass examinations and get jobs. In fact, the proliferation of such breasts is now being put forth as an antidote to unemployment woes. These breasts need to be nurtured and delicately treated for the greater good of the human race.

4. Gravitized: This rather complicated name is derived from the word gravity. These are referred to in normal parlance as saggy breasts. These unlucky variety of breasts owe their dismal appearance to the cruel forces of gravity. Those possessing this variety of breasts are often marginalized, especially by the mangos. As opponents of the idea of racism and discrimination, Tan Theta requests readers to treat people with this variety of breasts with special care and attention. The distribution of Push-up bra campaign taken up by Sherlyn Chopra has gone a long way in relieving some of the miseries of this unfortunate lot.

5. Yaa-ba-da-ba-doo: This is what Swami Nithyananda said when he saw a breast of this variety. Yaa-ba-da-ba-doo breasts are the humongous lot. Some of these have been known to weigh in tonnes. Those having Yaa-ba-da-ba-doo breasts have been known to develop incredibly strong bicep and shoulder muscles. It is rumored that breasts of this nature were used in the demolition of Babri Masjid.

So much for today. The world of breasts is deep, dark and mesmerizing.

Next time: Cleavages


Leave a comment

Filed under TAN Wisdom

Facebook frustrates

It’s fast becoming an inescapable aspect of our social media existence. Lame status updates on Facebook. Dunno about the others but I hate to see the chastity (or whatever’s left of it) of my inbox getting violated repeatedly by update notifications which range from the inane to the obnoxious. I accept that social media has started to redefine the concept of privacy and/ or content sharing but I can live without knowing which brand of chaddi you got for the Pujas. And I won’t believe if you say you got it from CK. Also, since I have a bit of life left yet, I will not ask for evidence to substantiate your claim.
So anyway before I digress, here’s my attempt at categorizing uber-lame FB updates based on content and tone.

The Kewl bindaas update (ex- “Next stop Goaaaa.. Chill karunga jaake..bye bye work” or “Fuck exams, me goin 2 Vegas for the week woohoooo) : yeah, these are the types that leave you wondering why the fuck can’t you too maaro-chill, instead of maaro-gaand at office/ college/ school. These people are the single biggest reason my Mondays seem longer than Sonali Bendre’s legs and Ashutosh Gowarikar’s movies combined.

Apparently they do not have any worries in life, except to wonder where else to spend their money on, apart from the Iphone-4G they got last week and the new car that Daddy gifted them for retaining enough intelligence to pass the semester. And it gets worse with females. Because they keep posting ridiculously hot pictures of their dumb carefree “mein toh bindaas hun” selves at parties with various males from the similar intellect clan. If I could, I would shove the ‘bind’ up their ass for making me feel like a retired government clerk at 22. The metaphor doesn’t make sense to you? Well, the existence  of such people doesn’t make sense to me either, so whatever.

The meaning of life update (ex- “Why does life have to be such a bitch?” or “where will we all be in 10 years?”) : While I’m getting brain-fucked by the above category, I stumble upon these kinds. It’s like a cruel and ironic joke that FB seems to play.

So these are the types that will spew about dark, depressing, self-probing questions about life, relationships and why we don’t enjoy a utopian world. Well, guess what Socrates-fucker, I already know that life is a bitch, I already know that I have enough problems at this age, I already know I am not a chick magnet, I already know Sachin won’t play for India forever; AND, I also know another essential fact you may have missed during your gay musings : Life moves on even if you don’t. So please take your questions/ philosophies to Rituporno Ghosh. At least he will make better utilisation of your useless threadbare thoughts.

Self-obsessed updates : Move over you ‘cattle-class’ bunch of ugly faced, non-branded jeans wearing, Reliance black&white handset using, non-happening job doing,  piece of plebian shit. The modern day Narcissus has arrived.

With over 1000 photos in an album rightly titled “Meeeeee” or “Your’s Truly” or “Myself” or worse “I”, this entity is absolutely in Love with itself. It showcases its beauty by clicking its own photographs ONLY, in various poses of self-absorbed ecstasy. Its updates will be severely self-centric and/or snobbish and you wonder if it is at all aware of the existence of others in the world as well. It is always elated and eventually assured by the 50 ass-licking comments it gets appreciating its beauty/ importance to the universe, that it is indeed so divinely good. More than chocolate. Or biryani and chicken chaanp. Yes, it is even better. And with this grand realisation it goes to sleep. And dreams about its own self jumping over a fence, chanting “You’re the best, You’re the best, Yes You are the best.” And no, its not Shahrukh Khan this time.

Show off/ pretentious updates (ex- “loving my job at [random famous MNC goes here] !” or “has delivered a killer presentatn 2 client ! talk abt a gud day!!” or ” the nuclear liability bill is set to cause more faultlines in Indian political spheres”) : Okay, if you have a great job or if you did something superawesome like tying your shoelaces blindfolded with one hand while jerking off with the other, why don’t you blog about it since you so desperately want to share the epic news with the world ?? The blog is your personal space to share whatever shit you want with whomever you want to. On social networking sites, many people may not give a rat’s fuck about your feats. Announcing every single milestone on a social networking site shows how much you crave, and by extension lack, appreciation from others. Despite getting the plum job !

And what’s with behaving like one of those “experts” that our government always seems to have loads of? Posting deep political/ economical/ sexual insights do not make you seem intelligent. Ok, maybe not the last one.. but you get the drift. Unless you are a journalist or something, please refrain from making political commentary. I already know you read the news. Get a fuckin medal now and watch Southpark for a change.

Validate my existence updates (ex- “where’s the party tonight??!!” or “guys when is our next roadtrip??” or “im in love again..shit !”) : This one makes you cringe and want to watch RGV ki Aag ten times over.

These updates stem from the need to make oneself more prominent among the group, which treats the person as invisible in turn. If you don’t know where the party is on a particular night and you have to resort to FB to find out, chances are you are not on the list. And please also don’t inflict more pain by posting about how you fell in/ out/ around love. I mean seriously, who cares??!! If you need to share such news/information or are seeking advice or counsel on the same, then please seek out an agony aunt on those late night shows on Changa TV.

Posting interrogatives about future vacation plans and such on FB is equally inexplicable. Why don’t you simply call them and ask?? Or email them?? Why FB??? Because you wanna show the world that as they slave away to corporate hell, you are taking your punk ass on a roadtrip? Because as they get acidity due to erratic sleeping patterns during exams, you are indulging in cheap erotica and needlessly expensive sea-food in Goa? Which one is it huh? Please organise your kitty parties and trips or whatever fuck you want to, on your own time in a more private manner. And if you really wanna prove the world you’ve arrived, then take a roadtrip across South America or something, 10 years into a job(considering you get one) that is. Then you can be forgiven.

Pagla Premi updates (ex- “my shona/janu/[random term of endearment] I’m so lucky I have you in my life” or “Heyy baby, thanks for standing by me. Muaah”) : I can categorically say that this is the most pseudo-romantic, needlessly affectionate, schmaltzy to the point of being dangerously nauseous kind of update, that is doing the rounds on FB. If you come by such updates, report as spam or report abuse ASAP.

These online romance updates can be divided into 3 neat parts: 1. Pre-relationship : this is when we are subjected to thoughts on how difficult life is for a single man(read NO SEX) or a single woman (read NO FINANCER/ EMOTIONAL CUSHION).   2. In-relationship: this is when you learn about how rosy things can be when a man (got SEX) and woman (got FINANCER/ EMOTIONAL CUSHION) share a life together.  3. Post-relationship/break up: this is when we are made to learn the perils of heartbreak in love that can assail a man (read SEX NOT WORTH IT, I WILL DO IT ON MY OWN) or a woman (read NOT ENUF SHOPPING, NEED A RICHER GUY).

The second category is most viral. They come from people who don’t just fall into the deep ocean of love. They like to create a huge splash and play the prem-pichkari while they are swimming. It is imperative for these people to act like two dogs going at it, on a social platform. Starting from posting display pics together as a couple, to getting cyber-cozy. I just have one question: Why don’t you get a room?? Or rent one?? Why do you have to discuss your ‘private’ sentiments on a huge public platform? What point are you trying to make with such PDA ? That you are oh-so-KJo film mein jaise hota hai- happy??? My friend did attempt to explain an almost similar phenomenon which he termed Compulsive Coupling. Maybe that’s the reason?

Whatever man. Just please spare us the emosanal attyachar.

Image courtesy:

Leave a comment

Filed under TAN Awareness, TAN Wisdom

CWG renovation

How many of us have actually seen the Commonwealth games on TV in the past? Watching the opening/closing/interval ceremony doesn’t count. And no, if you just chanced by the broadcast while surfing for “Kaanti Bai ki malaai” at night, then that doesn’t count either. If the games are appealing enough or conversely, if you have interest enough in them, then you would be watching it anyway. The interest quotient among the masses for the games is as much as the interest levels of half-naked full-hungry street beggars on the Ayodhya verdict.

So in order to raise the collective curiosity of the public about the games, some drastic or innovative  measures must be adopted. A couple of suggestions on how to make the CWG more fun and interesting for both the aam junta and the athletes.

dus ka bees dus ka bees dus ka bees

Make sex-videos of Shera boning Mallika Sherawat. This will ensure that Shera gets some long due recognition and Mallika gets, well, boned. The mms’ should be played on giant plasma screens at select locations in the games village for the enjoyment of our foreign guests and players. Athletes who are white should have premium access to “private booths” during the screenings for a more homely experience. Shampoo/ oil etc charges will be billed to Kalmadi.The snake that was found in one of the athlete rooms should be draped around Sherawat while she is humping the mascot or vice versa. It will help to promote her film Hisss which nobody gives a crap about anyway.

There should be an arena showcasing poverty-stricken hunger-laden and naked Indian kids playing gilli-danda or just playing with a tyre and a stick, with Jai Ho blaring in the background. This is again aimed mostly at Western white athletes and also their families, and this will provide them with ample scope of photographing Real-India at its third-world best. Such authentic display of underdevelopment and backwardness not only severely arouses the photography instincts in firangs, in some cases they may donate large sums of money as well. And this may be one of the few ways to recover the money that Kalmadi and his bitches snorted up to get high.

A Bollywood theme park should be a definite. Athletes can enjoy sliding down Neha Dhupia, Sameera Reddy  and other such celeb endorsed water rides at a subsidised cost. The Rakhi Sawant ride, Payal Rohatgi rollercoaster, Shweta Tiwari tunnel of horror and some other rides should be free of charge. For the females, there should be a Shahrukh Khan (who is not a terrorist) auditorium where three daily shows will be conducted by THE man himself. There should also be space for an authentic Indian ‘bazaar’ where female white athletes can enjoy all the gorgeous colours of India, the oh-so-pretty-bangles, colorful sarees. For our black friends we should have a cozy place with lots of coke.. I can elaborate along these lines, but you get the long and shit of it, right?

Complimentary classes by a Yoga/ spiritual guru can also be a big attraction. Infact with so many of them around, some sort of a tender should be given out for all gurus to take a shot at the post of Chief Spiritualist or something. But handing over  the responsibility for screening applications to Kalmadi may not be a good idea. Because innocent and naive as he is like a furry little white lamb,  he may just be brainwashed by Swami Nityananda into giving him the job. And we know that White chicks+a horny Swami may not be a stable combination. In fact any chick+a horny Swami is never a good combo. Plus the ‘service charge’ is always high.

It would also be interesting if someone made a remake of Sholay. Kalmadi can be, who else but Gabbar Singh? He even has the same beard, almost, if you look closely enough ! Fennel and Hooper can be Saambha and Kaalia. Sheila Dixit can be Radha, the silent spectator that she is anyway and Mani Shankar Aiyar can be the andha Imam because he does not wish to see anything of the games anyway, so he’s better off being blind.

sweet pic courtesy:

1 Comment

Filed under TAN Awareness, TAN Wisdom


Three incidents in the past month or so, stand out like the sore thumb of that doped Country Club guy on TV. Each more absurd than the other. And I tried to locate precisely why we were inflicted with such insanely idiotic news stories or what insanity went into creating them in the first place. I have subsequently arrived at some simplistic inferences.

  • Sania-Shoaib controversy : We ALL know what this ones about. And it totally pissed the fuck out of me. Let us, for a moment, put aside issues of individual freedom/rights, her marrying a Paki and being a ‘traitor’, or her not pleasing our aesthetic sensibilities enough by wearing shorter pants/showing more décolleté on court. Let us suspend all our senses, like we do while watching Sajid Khan’s directorial attempts.

She is a Complan Girl.

Now. Do you REALLY care so much about the conjugal preferences of a 38DD bimbette, who can barely whack the ball ( pun unintended) on the tennis court against quality opposition; and a sub-standard cricket player, accused of wrong bowling action/chucking & match fixing??

The only words of interest here are 38DD & cricket. But that is clearly not the point. The point is the needless limelight received by this issue could have been better utilized elsewhere perhaps. The media is squarely to blame for being the irresponsible, sexy-story hunting, TRP fanatics that they are. You may wonder what this poster-girl of Indian tennis has realistically achieved to deserve so much of media-attention. Apart from putting on national exhibit, her international assets. And I ain’t talking tennis.

How about giving Saina Nehwal a bit of news coverage once in a while? She is ranked Number 5 by the Badminton World Federation, compared to Sania who I believe, is groaning & grunting at the 90 mark as of May 2010. Nehwal is the first Indian to win the World Junior Badminton Championships. She is also the first Indian to win the Indonesian Open Super series. I think she defeated a Chinese player in the process. What does beating a Chinese player in badminton translate to? You got some pretty effing talent.

Mirza, of course, does not need to worry about actually winning anything tangible. She can merrily go on qualifying for quaterfinals or something, and get beaten by top-seeds; and the media will ensure she hogs the limelight till another tournament.

As for Shoaib Malik I will refrain, as a matter of principle, from wasting words on such a monstrous & epic fail, in the context of Pakistani cricketers of yore.

And Sania, babe, if at all you wanted to commit socio-political massacre of your undeserved & needlessly enlarged (pun intended, this time) public image, by marrying a Pakistani; at least you could have displayed some better taste. This guy doesn’t even keep his bowling arm straight enough… best of luck to you.

  • Boobs-cause-earthquakes theory : Well, I have to agree with the Iranian cleric, who had previously put forward this ingenious theory; whereby display of cleavage and earthquakes were found to be correlated. Here it is : “Many women who do not dress modestly … lead young men astray, corrupt their chastity and spread adultery in society, which (consequently) increases earthquakes.”

Hila ke rakh de-Center Shock ( what were U thinking?)

I am totally with the Iranian dude here. I mean, seriously. Take a walk down Park Street on New Year’s. I have actually seen guys looking like Himesh Reshammiya action-figures in the direction of generous women with liberal necklines, God bless them. With magma-hot material like that, why wouldn’t the earth move?

But what I can’t comprehend is, why Iran gets hit by earthquakes or why it sits perilously on top of some pretty huge fault-lines. Women in Iran are all covered up anyway. You will have a nuke up your ass before you can say “boobs.” This can only mean one thing : men there, are more frustrated than us, Indians. So their exxxtra fertile imagination, rendered more fertile by years of strict sexual policies , are causing them to hallucinate. They see plunging necklines( which are actually non-existent) all around them and as a result get heated up. This body-heat coupled with the nuclear reactors which emit warm radiations perhaps; collectively raise the temperature of a part of the earth’s crust there. And the crust expands the already wide-ass fault-lines running through Iran. And hence, the earthquakes.

These interpretations are only based on what the seismologist/cleric had to say. I have only humbly tried to rationalize his intriguing viewpoints.

  • Women-no-work Women-only-humpy__ fatwa against working Muslim women: Darul Uloom, Deoband, an Islamic seminary issued a fatwa saying, “It is unlawful (under the Sharia law) for Muslim women to work in the government or private sector where men and women work together and women have to talk with men frankly and without a veil,”

Born free? Not exactly.

This is again a classic example of retrograde Bullshit being spewed about carelessly, without thinking of possible consequences. As it is, the government sector has a relatively dull & unsexy image. What it needs is a few bombshells to spice up the workplace. And as many bombshells of this age, are professionally more productive than their male counterparts, it can only be better for the office right?  These clerics obviously are unaware of such rationale and believe/see women only as objects of procreation. I like the process of procreation too; infact, we at Tan Theta encourage the process of procreation ! But to confine women as just that, is medieval and disgusting really. I would have said “we condemn it” but the word has become a very badly dead & decomposed cliché, courtesy the government who condemn every Goddamn thing on planet, without actually doing something about it.

On a more serious note, it is incredibly pathetic and repulsive to come across such regressiveness. Instead of striving for a liberal atmosphere & equality, these factions are pulling the Muslim community back some notches.

And of course, scaring us into the thought of a Talibanesque office, sans women. Without veils.

Tan Theta is shuddering at such a horrible hypothesis.


( Images courtesy ; ; )


Filed under TAN Awareness, TAN Wisdom

You’ve been Tan’d !

“Ki mama tan hoye galo toh? ” ( hey dude, it went over your head right?!).

I have heard this question a million times in a zillion contexts, in my 22 year old life already. It is a part-rhetorical phrase or question that decorates a situation, of which the immediate participants have no friggin clue about. Much like the expression, or the lack of it, on Harman Baweja’s face when asked to act. Or better still, the look on George Bush’s moronic face when asked about….well anything. Or when you ask Miss Sarah I-can-see-Russia-from-my-house Palin about foreign policy. You get the idea.

This blog shall attempt to deal with all those unique ‘tan moments’ or issues that no one else seems to give a fuck about. But should. At least I think so. However, it shall keep safe distance from boring digressions, especially of the I-want-to-change-the-world kind.

The nature of the posts may be, and I hope they are, unpredictable. But hey, unpredictability is sexy. The qualitative depth of the posts may not match that of Mandira Bedi’s necklines but we believe in being ambitious. We shall get there someday…

dekhle hobe...khorcha aache

I tried hard to think of an interesting disclaimer. But its not my fault they are boring.

Stay tuned for the next post: an expose of a cricketer-turned-politician caught doing an item-number in a porn movie. You would like that story, wouldn’t you?

Leave a comment

Filed under TAN Wisdom