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.. we promise !

(Image Courtesy: Telemarketing blog )

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Whoz ur Daddy ??!


O.K, first up, tANK you everybody for sending in pics which you thought were more funny than Tushshar Kapur’s career. But the pic below is what we chose because it is simple & to the point, very like ISC answers. Contributed by Philip Hafstad.

My daddy longest.

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Job fail !


Tan Theta has snooped in on a website whose career section is presented, rather cockily 😀  Anonymity has been maintained and we only took a screen shot of the relevant section of the page. Do mail us in, if you come across such beauties !

cock-a-doodle-doo ?

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Why does the hot chick dig the dork ?


Lets face it . We have all thought about this at one time or the other .By “we” ,I mean everyone .The hot chick who isn’t dating a dork feels sorry and confused for obvious reasons. The ugly chick is angry as to why the dorks can’t be left alone (read: left for them poor souls). The disillusioned ugly chick smirks at the thought of having made a better score.The ugly guy tries to kill himself in vain. The Greek God feels hard done by. The disillusioned ugly guy denies that the chick is hot. And so on. For one reason or the other , we think. When those googly-woogly cheeks are squeezed by the hoofs of a black baboon, we cringe.We all do.

So what is the deal really ? What prompts them hot chicks to so blatantly violate the most sanctified social norm? We at Tan Theta have a few theories:

Theory 1 : Make-up man

This is possibly the oldest and most popular theory. Now , as you might know, hot chicks are not always born hot. Their growing hot and remaining so, entails a number of difficult procedures. Hot chicks wear hot clothes and use hot cosmetics. All of these are expensive. And hot chicks don’t particularly enjoy working hard. Hence the need for a rich dork. Such couples are generally the ones you find in malls. Hot chicks of this category possess a certain special quality of being able to curl their lips and roll their eyeballs in a hypnotic manner, so as to convince their rich dorky boy-toy to buy them anything. “The make-up man” in such a  scenario is either merrily oblivious or knowingly chooses to ignore his ever thinning bank balance. And who can blame him .

Beauty and the Geek

Theory 2 : Emo cushion

Chicks are, in general an emotional species. They experience all emotions in higher than normal doses. So , when they are sad , they don’t weep but wail. When angry , they don’t bang fists but wail out loud. When happy, they don’t smile or laugh , but wail their lungs out over how they have never been happier. In other words, chicks cry. A lot. Such chicks often need shoulders to cry upon and and a pair of ears to listen to their stories of pathos. Dorks often take advantage of such situations and dive in with their welcoming shoulders and super-senstive ears wherever they spot an emotionally needy hot chick. You got to admit that the “emotional attyachar” is a cheap price to pay for the pout lips and petite bosoms. And so it goes.

Theory 3 : Rockstar

If you have read any of our posts, you would know that Tan Theta likes sex. We support fornication and approve it in all forms.Now now, don’t let your imagination wander.So yes .Sex. That’s our third theory. Now if there’s one right we concede to all hot chicks, it is to have good sex. In fact, so much so, that all of us with balls are willing to personally further their cause. But of course, hot chicks can’t oblige everyone. And not every guy can rock a hot chick’s world like she deserves it. And hence the need for Mr.Rockstar. Rockstars are those rare Indian specimens who possess both the right tool and right techniques, if you know what I mean. They could , for all purposes, be dorky and ugly but lets face it , the face isn’t going to give them the orgasms. So rockstar gives  “pyaasi zameen” the required “baarish ke boondein” whenever she needs them and they make love happily ever after.

Theory 4 : Lucky boy

For all our ingenious theories, there are certain cases which defy any logical explanation. Cases of hot chick and dorky guy so unpalatable, that they make you question our very evolution. We club all these cases under the unimaginative “Lucky boy” header. Lucky boys are just that. Plain simple fucking lucky. They were born lucky and keep getting so against all odds. Lucky boys specialise at being at the right place at the right time and fortuitously saying the right things.Everything else follows.

I would like to say it outright that Tan Theta does not approve such blatant aberrations. We regard the hot chick-ugly guy combination as blasphemy and strongly condemn it. In fact , we approve only the following combinations.

Hot chick – Hot guy

Ugly chick – Ugly guy

Hot chick- One of us

Here’s hoping that the rest of the world unites in agreement. TANk You !

(Image courtesy : bbs.chinadaily.com)

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Lazy Lamhe !


Two random photuz …

Because Tan Theta felt too lazy for a coherent post. (P.S-> a pic is still worth a thousand words so technically…)

'The Fucking' sounds so much like an M.Night Shyamalan movie, no?

Also this:-

"Dhamna beta, do santre aur ek kela laana Fuck Lee store se."

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Trimurty


Three incidents in the past month or so, stand out like the sore thumb of that doped Country Club guy on TV. Each more absurd than the other. And I tried to locate precisely why we were inflicted with such insanely idiotic news stories or what insanity went into creating them in the first place. I have subsequently arrived at some simplistic inferences.

  • Sania-Shoaib controversy : We ALL know what this ones about. And it totally pissed the fuck out of me. Let us, for a moment, put aside issues of individual freedom/rights, her marrying a Paki and being a ‘traitor’, or her not pleasing our aesthetic sensibilities enough by wearing shorter pants/showing more décolleté on court. Let us suspend all our senses, like we do while watching Sajid Khan’s directorial attempts.

She is a Complan Girl.

Now. Do you REALLY care so much about the conjugal preferences of a 38DD bimbette, who can barely whack the ball ( pun unintended) on the tennis court against quality opposition; and a sub-standard cricket player, accused of wrong bowling action/chucking & match fixing??

The only words of interest here are 38DD & cricket. But that is clearly not the point. The point is the needless limelight received by this issue could have been better utilized elsewhere perhaps. The media is squarely to blame for being the irresponsible, sexy-story hunting, TRP fanatics that they are. You may wonder what this poster-girl of Indian tennis has realistically achieved to deserve so much of media-attention. Apart from putting on national exhibit, her international assets. And I ain’t talking tennis.

How about giving Saina Nehwal a bit of news coverage once in a while? She is ranked Number 5 by the Badminton World Federation, compared to Sania who I believe, is groaning & grunting at the 90 mark as of May 2010. Nehwal is the first Indian to win the World Junior Badminton Championships. She is also the first Indian to win the Indonesian Open Super series. I think she defeated a Chinese player in the process. What does beating a Chinese player in badminton translate to? You got some pretty effing talent.

Mirza, of course, does not need to worry about actually winning anything tangible. She can merrily go on qualifying for quaterfinals or something, and get beaten by top-seeds; and the media will ensure she hogs the limelight till another tournament.

As for Shoaib Malik I will refrain, as a matter of principle, from wasting words on such a monstrous & epic fail, in the context of Pakistani cricketers of yore.

And Sania, babe, if at all you wanted to commit socio-political massacre of your undeserved & needlessly enlarged (pun intended, this time) public image, by marrying a Pakistani; at least you could have displayed some better taste. This guy doesn’t even keep his bowling arm straight enough… best of luck to you.

  • Boobs-cause-earthquakes theory : Well, I have to agree with the Iranian cleric, who had previously put forward this ingenious theory; whereby display of cleavage and earthquakes were found to be correlated. Here it is : “Many women who do not dress modestly … lead young men astray, corrupt their chastity and spread adultery in society, which (consequently) increases earthquakes.”

Hila ke rakh de-Center Shock ( what were U thinking?)

I am totally with the Iranian dude here. I mean, seriously. Take a walk down Park Street on New Year’s. I have actually seen guys looking like Himesh Reshammiya action-figures in the direction of generous women with liberal necklines, God bless them. With magma-hot material like that, why wouldn’t the earth move?

But what I can’t comprehend is, why Iran gets hit by earthquakes or why it sits perilously on top of some pretty huge fault-lines. Women in Iran are all covered up anyway. You will have a nuke up your ass before you can say “boobs.” This can only mean one thing : men there, are more frustrated than us, Indians. So their exxxtra fertile imagination, rendered more fertile by years of strict sexual policies , are causing them to hallucinate. They see plunging necklines( which are actually non-existent) all around them and as a result get heated up. This body-heat coupled with the nuclear reactors which emit warm radiations perhaps; collectively raise the temperature of a part of the earth’s crust there. And the crust expands the already wide-ass fault-lines running through Iran. And hence, the earthquakes.

These interpretations are only based on what the seismologist/cleric had to say. I have only humbly tried to rationalize his intriguing viewpoints.

  • Women-no-work Women-only-humpy__ fatwa against working Muslim women: Darul Uloom, Deoband, an Islamic seminary issued a fatwa saying, “It is unlawful (under the Sharia law) for Muslim women to work in the government or private sector where men and women work together and women have to talk with men frankly and without a veil,”

Born free? Not exactly.

This is again a classic example of retrograde Bullshit being spewed about carelessly, without thinking of possible consequences. As it is, the government sector has a relatively dull & unsexy image. What it needs is a few bombshells to spice up the workplace. And as many bombshells of this age, are professionally more productive than their male counterparts, it can only be better for the office right?  These clerics obviously are unaware of such rationale and believe/see women only as objects of procreation. I like the process of procreation too; infact, we at Tan Theta encourage the process of procreation ! But to confine women as just that, is medieval and disgusting really. I would have said “we condemn it” but the word has become a very badly dead & decomposed cliché, courtesy the government who condemn every Goddamn thing on planet, without actually doing something about it.

On a more serious note, it is incredibly pathetic and repulsive to come across such regressiveness. Instead of striving for a liberal atmosphere & equality, these factions are pulling the Muslim community back some notches.

And of course, scaring us into the thought of a Talibanesque office, sans women. Without veils.

Tan Theta is shuddering at such a horrible hypothesis.

Peace.

( Images courtesy http://www.hottesttennisgirls.blogspot.com ; http://www.zazzle.com ; http://www.spokesmanreview.com )

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The Compulsive Coupling Syndrome


Hello ladies and gentleman and welcome to the dissemination of the latest new epidemic to have spread in our little god forsaken part of the world. It is what I choose to call the “compulsive coupling syndrome”.

I will explain the phenomenon with a story.

Subject-A is your average Indian schoolboy. Brought up on the traditional diet of heavy textbooks , music lessons and cricket coaching classes , he had rarely had time to catch his breath, leave alone discover puberty. It’s when he reached the ripe age of 17 that he suddenly came across the song, “main sola baras ki , tu sathra baras ka”  (Translation: “I am 16 , you are 17” .Yes, we keep it simple) and discovered his true calling in life , falling in love. With about a year of school left, Subject-A  with his new found pubic hair set out on the search for his Sweet 16.

Subject-B is your above average Indian schoolgirl. In stark contrast to Subject-A , Subject-B had been fed on  fantastic DDLJ-esque love stories since she was 12. By the time she was 16 and had developed lemon-sized bosoms, she was ready to take the leap of fate and run into the woods to play hide and seek with her prince charming. As destiny would have it , Subject-A and Subject-B met and in course of time , our man mustered up the courage to say those  golden words, “ Do you want to fall in love with me ?”. Now Subject-A was the dorky Bengali kind with a moustache and beard (he discovered puberty late, but boy the testosterone! ) and Subject-B was , as I said, above average and with boobs now almost the size of snooker balls. But she didn’t want her Facebook profile to read “single” when she entered college and so ,clipping her nostrils so as to not to have to smell his stinky beard again , she hugged and said ‘yes’ . The Compulsive Coupling Syndrome (CCS) had snared its first victim.

Subject-A and Subject-B soon proceeded to the customary rituals to solemnise their “falling in love”. Both of them updated their relationship status’ on Facebook and also changed their display pic to identical ones, showing the two sipping strawberry juice from the same glass. They also “Like”d every “Item” on each other’s “Wall”s so as to leave nothing to the imagination.

Now, more characters. Subject-C is the typical college student who doesn’t give shit about college because , as his Facebook profile says , he “love doing masti” .He is also Subject-A’s best buddy and used to play with his beard before he shaved it on Subect-B’s orders. Subject-D is , as you might guess, is Subject-B’s soul sister and classmate at college. She is secretly jealous of Subject-B because her breasts have now grown to the size of oranges as a result of Subject-A’s fondling.

As you might be aware , people who “fall in love” are bound, by Social networking laws, to go visit a shopping mall with common friends and click pictures to post on Facebook. They are also, perforce dictums, required to comment on how their partner’s nose looks bigger in every alternate picture before commencing the thread ending “I love you baby” , “I love you too”, “Muah”, “Muah muah muah” sequence. So Subject-A and Subject-B, both responsible Social networkers, tagged C and D along, on these visits and clicked scores of snaps. The typical positioning of the 4 in any picture is diagrammatically represented below.

As is evident , while the pictures, splattered across the site were precious to Subjects A and B, it became a source of abject embarrassment for C and D who were often alluded to as the “haddis in the kebab” .Under such circumstances , Subject C, who had secretly day dreamt of humping D, popped the all-important question “Do you want to fall in love with me ?” .For Subject-D, the lure of the jorai jorai (pair pair) pictures on Facebook was enough to surmount C’s rotten egg breath. CCS is a bitch !

A,B,C and D were now a couple of twosomes. Of course , the vicious CCS cycle doesn’t end there. As described previously, Subject-B with her “above average”ness and now melon-like boobs was always beyond A’s league. B realised this in about 4 months time. They could have quietly parted ways ,but no. Subject-A spilled his over-sensitivity on Facebook with pictures of an unshaven self and status messages like “It’s better to have loved and lost , than never to have loved at all”.

And now, more characters. Subject-E is a 23 year-old obese video-game addict of Bangalore and Subject-F is the  27 year-old even fatter shopaholic who lives on the apartment above his. By a strange twist of fortune , they both happened to chance upon A’s heart-wrenching ejaculations on Facebook. On seeing them , E experiences a moment of inner awakening and abandons his “Call of Duty” to answer his call to “fall in love”. Post “Do you want to fall in love with me?” and “Yes”, earth-shattering (literally) sex ensues. CCS claims more victims.

And so it continues. The above is an example of one of the possible courses, the spread of the CCS can take. Others run on the lines of self-pity, dwindling bank balance and a general desire to have sex.

The Compulsive Coupling Syndrome can basically be described as a pathological state wherein two human beings, under the influence of certain external circumstances, succumb to the illusion of having “fallen in love”. In most other parts of the world , such associations would safely be called one-night stands ,hook-ups or open relationships and not be extended beyond a few mating sessions. But we in India don’t believe in half measures. We in India believe in sticking to our deep-rooted principles of love and running around trees.  As the venerable Yash Chopra once said , Indians don’t just “cum” , we “Come and Fall in Love!”.

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