Tag Archives: sania


P.S: http://translate.google.com/#de|en|Bruste

At the very outset, allow me to present this post the “Dummies Guide to Understanding Blogposts” award for the sheer straightforwardness of its title. Yes breasts. Oh breasts! Go breasts! Mighty breasts! That’s what this post is about. With the ever-dipping readership numbers of this blog, I have decided to give it a Hindi movie like fillip. So this is the “Item Number” post or “Zandu balm” post if you so like.

The inspiration behind this post comes from none other than Sania Mirza. Yes, you guessed it. It’s the chick with big boobs who married a Pakistani. She is also known for another activity where she and her hefty bosoms go bouncing on a grassy lawn for hours at end. They call it Lawn Tennis.

So, breasts. I trust that the readership of this blog (which at last count was .. wait .. never mind) has by now discovered its deserved niche. Its now limited to jobless sex-addicts and pink slipped whores. So we have no more boundaries. No pretence of being cultured and suave. Cheap is as cheap likes it.

I have for long been a keen observer of breasts and would be more than happy to share my knowledge. So here goes the first lecture of Breasts 10. Today we discuss Breast Types

1. Ping pong: This is one game Sania will definitely never play. Ping pong breasts, also known as “marble” breasts are the most diminutive variants of breasts. As is evident from the nomenclature, breasts of this type appear to be like ping pong balls and in some malnourished African states, like marbles. Those possessing this variety of breasts have certain advantages. With an appropriate wardrobe to go, these breasts can act as a life savers in the event of a femicide. This kind of breast also saves the possessor the burden of investing in bras. Hence this variety is also referred to as “inflation resistant” breast. Disadvantages include difficulty in establishing gender and a reduction in options while procreating.

2. Cornetto: This is a recent neologism for what was previously known as cone breasts. These breasts are in the shape of inverted cones. As can be visualized, such a shape remarkably reduces the surface area of the nipple which for most parts is reduced to a dot. Definitely not the succulent variety. However, this form of breast has been used to provide an advantage in situations of physical conflict. Some varieties of these breasts have even been known to pierce Rhinoceros skins.

3. Mango: Deservedly, the king of fruits lends it name to the indisputable queen of breasts. “Mango” stands for all that is good about the female chest. The juicy and fleshy nature of these breasts make them the pride of the possessor and the even greater pride of the possessor’s partner. Breasts of this type are ideal for delicate fondling. They can be effectively put to use to pass examinations and get jobs. In fact, the proliferation of such breasts is now being put forth as an antidote to unemployment woes. These breasts need to be nurtured and delicately treated for the greater good of the human race.

4. Gravitized: This rather complicated name is derived from the word gravity. These are referred to in normal parlance as saggy breasts. These unlucky variety of breasts owe their dismal appearance to the cruel forces of gravity. Those possessing this variety of breasts are often marginalized, especially by the mangos. As opponents of the idea of racism and discrimination, Tan Theta requests readers to treat people with this variety of breasts with special care and attention. The distribution of Push-up bra campaign taken up by Sherlyn Chopra has gone a long way in relieving some of the miseries of this unfortunate lot.

5. Yaa-ba-da-ba-doo: This is what Swami Nithyananda said when he saw a breast of this variety. Yaa-ba-da-ba-doo breasts are the humongous lot. Some of these have been known to weigh in tonnes. Those having Yaa-ba-da-ba-doo breasts have been known to develop incredibly strong bicep and shoulder muscles. It is rumored that breasts of this nature were used in the demolition of Babri Masjid.

So much for today. The world of breasts is deep, dark and mesmerizing.

Next time: Cleavages


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Three incidents in the past month or so, stand out like the sore thumb of that doped Country Club guy on TV. Each more absurd than the other. And I tried to locate precisely why we were inflicted with such insanely idiotic news stories or what insanity went into creating them in the first place. I have subsequently arrived at some simplistic inferences.

  • Sania-Shoaib controversy : We ALL know what this ones about. And it totally pissed the fuck out of me. Let us, for a moment, put aside issues of individual freedom/rights, her marrying a Paki and being a ‘traitor’, or her not pleasing our aesthetic sensibilities enough by wearing shorter pants/showing more décolleté on court. Let us suspend all our senses, like we do while watching Sajid Khan’s directorial attempts.

She is a Complan Girl.

Now. Do you REALLY care so much about the conjugal preferences of a 38DD bimbette, who can barely whack the ball ( pun unintended) on the tennis court against quality opposition; and a sub-standard cricket player, accused of wrong bowling action/chucking & match fixing??

The only words of interest here are 38DD & cricket. But that is clearly not the point. The point is the needless limelight received by this issue could have been better utilized elsewhere perhaps. The media is squarely to blame for being the irresponsible, sexy-story hunting, TRP fanatics that they are. You may wonder what this poster-girl of Indian tennis has realistically achieved to deserve so much of media-attention. Apart from putting on national exhibit, her international assets. And I ain’t talking tennis.

How about giving Saina Nehwal a bit of news coverage once in a while? She is ranked Number 5 by the Badminton World Federation, compared to Sania who I believe, is groaning & grunting at the 90 mark as of May 2010. Nehwal is the first Indian to win the World Junior Badminton Championships. She is also the first Indian to win the Indonesian Open Super series. I think she defeated a Chinese player in the process. What does beating a Chinese player in badminton translate to? You got some pretty effing talent.

Mirza, of course, does not need to worry about actually winning anything tangible. She can merrily go on qualifying for quaterfinals or something, and get beaten by top-seeds; and the media will ensure she hogs the limelight till another tournament.

As for Shoaib Malik I will refrain, as a matter of principle, from wasting words on such a monstrous & epic fail, in the context of Pakistani cricketers of yore.

And Sania, babe, if at all you wanted to commit socio-political massacre of your undeserved & needlessly enlarged (pun intended, this time) public image, by marrying a Pakistani; at least you could have displayed some better taste. This guy doesn’t even keep his bowling arm straight enough… best of luck to you.

  • Boobs-cause-earthquakes theory : Well, I have to agree with the Iranian cleric, who had previously put forward this ingenious theory; whereby display of cleavage and earthquakes were found to be correlated. Here it is : “Many women who do not dress modestly … lead young men astray, corrupt their chastity and spread adultery in society, which (consequently) increases earthquakes.”

Hila ke rakh de-Center Shock ( what were U thinking?)

I am totally with the Iranian dude here. I mean, seriously. Take a walk down Park Street on New Year’s. I have actually seen guys looking like Himesh Reshammiya action-figures in the direction of generous women with liberal necklines, God bless them. With magma-hot material like that, why wouldn’t the earth move?

But what I can’t comprehend is, why Iran gets hit by earthquakes or why it sits perilously on top of some pretty huge fault-lines. Women in Iran are all covered up anyway. You will have a nuke up your ass before you can say “boobs.” This can only mean one thing : men there, are more frustrated than us, Indians. So their exxxtra fertile imagination, rendered more fertile by years of strict sexual policies , are causing them to hallucinate. They see plunging necklines( which are actually non-existent) all around them and as a result get heated up. This body-heat coupled with the nuclear reactors which emit warm radiations perhaps; collectively raise the temperature of a part of the earth’s crust there. And the crust expands the already wide-ass fault-lines running through Iran. And hence, the earthquakes.

These interpretations are only based on what the seismologist/cleric had to say. I have only humbly tried to rationalize his intriguing viewpoints.

  • Women-no-work Women-only-humpy__ fatwa against working Muslim women: Darul Uloom, Deoband, an Islamic seminary issued a fatwa saying, “It is unlawful (under the Sharia law) for Muslim women to work in the government or private sector where men and women work together and women have to talk with men frankly and without a veil,”

Born free? Not exactly.

This is again a classic example of retrograde Bullshit being spewed about carelessly, without thinking of possible consequences. As it is, the government sector has a relatively dull & unsexy image. What it needs is a few bombshells to spice up the workplace. And as many bombshells of this age, are professionally more productive than their male counterparts, it can only be better for the office right?  These clerics obviously are unaware of such rationale and believe/see women only as objects of procreation. I like the process of procreation too; infact, we at Tan Theta encourage the process of procreation ! But to confine women as just that, is medieval and disgusting really. I would have said “we condemn it” but the word has become a very badly dead & decomposed cliché, courtesy the government who condemn every Goddamn thing on planet, without actually doing something about it.

On a more serious note, it is incredibly pathetic and repulsive to come across such regressiveness. Instead of striving for a liberal atmosphere & equality, these factions are pulling the Muslim community back some notches.

And of course, scaring us into the thought of a Talibanesque office, sans women. Without veils.

Tan Theta is shuddering at such a horrible hypothesis.


( Images courtesy http://www.hottesttennisgirls.blogspot.com ; http://www.zazzle.com ; http://www.spokesmanreview.com )


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